A Broken Heart

I never imagined something could hurt so much. I think I knew all along the outcome of the doctor's findings yesterday, but I think I was just in denial. I clung on to a little bit of hope that just maybe the baby was able to survive all of this. Please listen to this video from Casting Crowns. "Listen to Our Hearts" was the first thing that popped into my head upon the doctor leaving the room yesterday.

BACK UP A COUPLE OF DAYS...As you remember in my previous post, I received a call from the OB nurse at 2:30 on Thursday and everything looked great! My counts were at 10,500, which was very consistent with a 6-8 week pregnancy and that I just needed to continue resting as much as possible.

Unfortunately, I began bleeding heavily around 3. I thought nothing of it initially, but at around 6 I began thinking that I was hemorrhaging. I put a call into the on-call doctor and immediately received a call back. She said that I needed to go to the ER, especially since she couldn't tell me what was happening without seeing me. Taylor drove me to the hospital in Stephenville and I was immediately taken to a room around 8. They drew more blood, did more sonograms and more exams. I was soaking through everything (I know, TMI again...but I had a huge amount of blood loss) and kept apologizing to every doctor and nurse that I encountered. I was more embarrassed than anything, but once again, I was blessed with the sweetest, most caring medical team. After 4 hours, the doctor came to the conclusion (based from the ultrasound tech's observations) that I was in the beginning stages of a miscarriage.

On the way home, Taylor began having hopes that the ER doctor didn't know what he was talking about and he wasn't convinced that I was miscarrying. We began thinking about the doctor visit the day before, where they actually saw the sac. We weren't believing (or didn't want to believe) that things could change that fast. Plus, we were never told anything about my blood counts or anything about the sonogram. We had a new hope! I still wasn't cramping or hadn't passed the tissue that all the doctors had been asking me about.

Friday morning I woke up and hadn't bled at all since I was at the hospital. That put a smile on my face! I really wanted my OB to look at the information that the hospital in Stephenville had done the previous night to see if she thought the same thing. I left a message for the nurse and received a call back around 11:30. She said that she would take a look at the hospital's findings, but that she wanted to move my regularly scheduled appt from Wednesday to Monday. I was ok with that, but in my head I was saying, "No, I want you to see me NOW! I can't go through this 4 more days." She must have had ESP since her next words were, "You know what. I'd really like you to be able to come in today. I don't have any appointments, but we will work you in with the on-call doctor." YES! She knew what I was going through. The waiting was too much. I broke down on the phone with her and said, "I would really like that."

As a family we quickly hopped in the car and headed to Fort Worth. At this point, Brooke knew that I had been bleeding and that I was told to rest, but nothing else. As much as I wanted Taylor in the room with me to hear either "the baby is fine" or "I'm sorry," I knew it was in the best interest for Brooke to not have to endure the emotion of it all. Taylor just dropped me off at the entrance and after about a 30 minute wait, they called me back. After an exam, they did another sonogram. While lying on the table, with every screen shot being taken, I just kept thinking that she would say, "Well look what I found!" With every shot I kept looking for that little heartbeat or that tiny infamous sac. I was absolutely heartbroken.

I then had to go back to the room and wait for the doctor to come in. There's nothing worse than knowing that the worst is to come. I knew I wasn't alone, but not having Taylor there in the room with me didn't make it any easier. The doctor confirmed everything, that I was in the process of losing the baby. He said that the sac was already gone and that I still had a few days of bleeding left. At this point, it didn't look like I'd have to have a D&C, but only time would tell. He then gave me a shot of Rogam since I am Rh negative, which will protect me for any future pregnancies.

I walked out of the office to find Taylor and Brooke in the parking lot. Brooke was deeply engaged in reading a book, but I asked her to put it down for a minute. I then proceeded to tell her the truth:

     Me: Brooke, you know how I've been having to go to the doctor a lot and that I've been bleeding,
     well we lost the baby. It just means that something was wrong with the baby and God said, "You
     know what, we're going to try again and make it even more perfect."
     Brooke: That will take forever!
     Me: (laughing) No it won't (hopefully)! I just wanted you to know what was going on and that  
     everything is going to be ok.
     Brooke: Ok

Whew! That went a lot better than I thought. Taylor inserted some engineering terms along the way, but all-in-all it went smoothly. We decided to go ahead and tell Jon and Karla so that they would know if Brooke was upset at any point. They were genuinely sorry, which we were very grateful for.

I have always believed that God's timing is perfect. My motto in life is Jeremiah 29:11...

While reading a few scriptures on God's timing, I came across this one today that speaks right to me from Proverbs 16:9...

Thank you so much for your continued support and love! I can't imagine going through this without faith, family and friends. Several questioned us for telling everyone so quickly about the pregnancy since we didn't wait til the "danger zone" was over. I said it before and I'll say it again...at least we have that many more people praying for us. And look...we have had an overwhelming amount of support and prayers lifted on our behalf. I wouldn't change a thing about telling people early! We look forward to the day when we can announce that we are expecting again!